When Safety Looks Like a Cup: A Holiday Reminder to Let People Be

Every family has that one person whose presence feels like sunshine.In our family, that person is my niece, nine years old, in fourth grade, autistic, and one of the most beautifully spirited children I've ever known.

She's tiny because of a genetic condition that affects her growth. Her mom is short, her sister is short… but don't let her size fool you. This little girl carries the kind of spirit that fills an entire room. She walks in with love, sweetness, generosity, and zero tolerance for negativity. Her positivity is effortless a gift. And honestly, anyone who meets her instantly wants to be part of her world.

But even the brightest spirits have moments where they feel like they need to shrink.And that's the part of the story I want to share.

Thanksgiving Evening being superwoman

The Cup That Meant Safety

My niece has a cup.Not just any cup, her cup. The one that soothes her. Grounds her. Helps her feel safe. If you know anything about autism, you know that comfort items matter. They aren't "just objects" they're anchors.

Before coming to stay with us during the holidays, she actually asked her mom:

"Will Aunt Tamika and Uncle Rashad be upset if I bring my cup?"

That question alone broke my heart.The fact that she even had to ask told me everything I needed to know about what she's experienced before. And of course her mom told her, "No, baby. They won't."

And she was right we didn't care. If that cup brings her comfort, bring it. Carry it. Hold it. Use it. Live your best life with it.

She came to our house full of joy, playing, laughing, just being her wonderful self. And she carried her cup. We didn't mention it because there was nothing to mention. That cup is part of her safety net and we honor that.

The Moment She Shrunk

Then, at some point, she crossed paths with one of my well-meaning aunts. My aunt didn't say anything wrong, didn't insult the cup, nothing like that. She simply asked, kindly:

"Oh, whose cup is that?"

And y'all…My niece shrunk.

Physically.Emotionally.Spiritually.Her little body folded inward like she wanted to disappear. She whispered, "It's mine," and tried to escape upstairs.

Not because of anything my aunt said my aunt was coming from a place of love and light.But because of what other people have said before. The looks she's gotten. The comments. The judgment. The moments where someone made her feel "too old" or "too different" for something that brings her comfort.

She couldn't see my aunt's kindness in that moment because she was bracing for the hurt she's learned to expect.

And that's what broke me.

Not anger heartbreak.

I stopped her.Gently but firmly.

I turned to my aunt and said:

"This is her cup.It makes her feel safe.And nobody is judging her for that not here."

Then I turned to my niece and said:

"Baby, don't you ever shrink over something that helps you feel safe.Not here. Not anywhere."

She relaxed. She breathed. She carried her cup proudly for the rest of the day.

And I know I know  she will never forget that moment.

I tell my sons to never shrink let them hate

A Holiday Reminder: Check the People Who Make Others Shrink

Here's what I need y'all to understand:

Somewhere along the way, somebody made this baby feel small for needing something that made her feel safe. And that somebody wasn't in my house that day but their damage was.

That's what happens when we're careless with our words.When we make jokes.When we raise eyebrows.When we ask, "Aren't you too old for that?"

We plant seeds of shame in people, especially children, and those seeds grow into moments like this, where even kindness feels like judgment.

So during this holiday season, when families gather and routines get disrupted and opinions fly loosely, I'm asking you to do this:

Check yourself before you comment on someone else's comfort.

You don't know what their "cup" is.You don't know what it took for them to bring it into a room full of people. You don't know how many times they've been made to feel "less than" for needing it.

So before you say something even something you think is harmless ask yourself:Is this going to make them feel safe, or make them shrink?

Teaching Her to Protect Herself (Without Being the Villain)

I wasn't there when those other people made her feel small.But I was there that day. And I could gently protect her, advocate for her, and most importantly help her find the words to stand up for herself in the future.

Because here's the thing: I don't want her to shrink.But I also don't want her to have to fight every battle with anger or defensiveness.

I want her to be able to say, calmly and confidently:

"This is my cup. It makes me feel safe. And that's okay."

No apologies.No explanations beyond that.Just truth.

Because she deserves to take up space in this world without feeling like she has to justify her existence or her needs.

And so do you.

Enjoying life and knowing where to find peace!

My Message to You (and to Her)

To my niece:You are light. You are joy. You are magic wrapped in a tiny body with a big, powerful spirit. And anyone who has the privilege of meeting you is better because of it. Don't you ever dim that light to make someone else comfortable.

To anyone reading this:Do not shrink yourself to meet someone else's expectations. Do not fold. Do not quiet your needs because someone else doesn't understand them.

Your safety matters.Your comfort matters.Your joy matters.

And my prayer for you this holiday season is that you have people in your corner like I was for my niece who step in and say:

"No, baby. You don't have to hide.This is your safe space.We've got you."

Be blessed. Stay warm. And honor your own "cup," whatever it may be.